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DarkHarmony
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Name: J
Country: United States
State: Idaho
Birthday: 1/24/1979
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, food, wine, art, stuff.
Expertise: Graduate student in music.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/28/2002
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| It's been a very long time since I updated. There are two reasonsfor this: number one, I've just been too busy, what with travelling home for Christmas and having to do the BSU Tuba/Euphonium Symposium and High School Band Clinic. Second, this is my place to bitch, complain, be upset, all of that stuff, and until now, I've felt no need to explore that side of my personality.
My last post spoke of happiness, very great, profound happiness, and I had it, at least for a time, but nothing, it seems, is permanent. I'd say chances are good that the angry/depressed/dark me will be stopping in here for new posts from time to time. Until then... | | |
| I liken our journey through life to wandering in the dark.
As we blunder along, looking for direction, we see some glittering thing, and reach for it in a desperate bid for happiness. Often times, the old cliche holds true, and what glitters isn't gold. Once in a great while, however, the thing we lay hold of really can grant happiness, and enrich us in ways we never thought possible. It always comes when it's not expected, and it's never in the form we anticipate.
In the mad quest for fortune, prestige, education and materialistic Western-World pursuits, it's all too easy to overlook the simple pleasures of a quiet dinner, sharing a hug with someone you adore, or the way that just the smell of someone's hair can make the whole world seem better.
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| So even when everything in my life seems to be going right for once, Old Lady Fate steps in and gives me a wet willie to remind me I'm still mortal, after all.
My financial situation is getting bleak. On top of all the bills I have (which I can swing no problem), I took out this loan for my new horn, which I will have to pay like $120 a month on. This is not really a problem; it put me a little in the red, true, but not to the point I was really worried about making ends meet. Today my insurance company called me. It seems, due to a technicality, my car insurance rate is going to double effective immediately. It has nothing at all to do with driving record; mine's flawless (which is to say, I've never been caught, heh). It's a technicality plain and simple, or so my agent told me.
The nitty-gritty of it is, instead of 50-some-odd dollars a month, my rate has increased to somewhere around $95 a month. That extra fifty bucks is gonna take a big wet bite out of my monthly finances. I'm cool after the beginning of next semester when my financial aid kicks in again, but until then...?
I'm almost afraid (to Hell with almost, I AM afraid) to add up exactly how much money I'm going to owe in loans between my undergraduate loans, tuba loan, financial aid for my Master's... not to mention that at some point my Explorer is going to give up the ghost...
Sorry for complaining. I'll make more creative use of my posts in the future, I promise.  | | |
| I had quite forgotten the one thing that makes me pissed off on Halloween: petty vandalism.
I went to my car today and someone had sprayed silly string all over the front of it. How does Halloween translate into such stupid behavior? I mean, as a kid, I played my share of pranks, but the kids here don't seem to realize that the pranks are supposed to come on Mischief Night, the day BEFORE Halloween. I mean, c'mon, who's teaching these kids?
Besides, I would never mess with someone's car. It's just not right. I would rather they had run up to me in the street and sprayed silly string all over ME than my car.
It's not that I'm all that obsessive about my car (OK maybe I am) but messing with a man's automobile is just about the lowest thing you can do. It's basically what people who are too afraid to cause real trouble do, because a car is defenseless. I'm of the opinion that if you're going to go out of your way to piss someone off and hang a dark cloud over their afternoon, you ought to do something where you run the risk of getting caught and having the shit beat out of you if you deserve it. It's only fair. | | |
| Halloween is just around the corner. Indeed, it used to be my favorite holiday. It used to be that I could barely contain my water at seeing "October" at the top of the calendar.
Now, it seems I could give a shit. Really.
I guess I'm just too busy to care. Another thing is that now that I'm totally self-sufficient, I can't see spending the money on a costume. I looked at the Halloween candy in the store, and immediately thought about how if I had some, I'd gain some of the weight back that I lost.
What a pussy I've turned into. I think when I packed my stuff to move to Idaho, I forgot my balls.
No, that's not entirely true. I know the bigger reason for the apathy about Halloween. It has to do with "the infamous party" of two years ago.
As I said before, Halloween had always been my favorite holiday. Every year, we threw record-breaking parties and filled the dumpster on November 1 (or November 2, depending on how bad the hangovers were) with empty liquor bottles and broken furniture.
Two years ago was not supposed to be any different. We did the preperatory shopping, the decoations were up. The party night came.
It was going really well. At any given time, there were 60 or so people in the house, and I was bartending, and taking breaks to dance, as usual.
My good friend Jen was over, and she and I were (harmlessly) dancing for a couple of minutes. My girlfriend Heidi was upstairs doing something... fixing her costume or whatever.
The next thing I knew, Heidi was at the foot of the stairs, screaming for me at the top of her lungs. When I approached her, she tore at my face with her fingernails and demanded that I accompany her upstairs, using some colorful expletives to get her point across.
Now, Heidi had accused me of cheating on her with Jen on several occasions, and each time I had managed to convince her of the truth, that we were friends and nothing more. All of our mutual friends had told her this, too, and she had shaken her silly notions time and time again. The "you're sleeping with Jen" bit had become routine.
This time, however, we had a HUGE screaming match. We could be heard over the music downstairs (quite a feat when you consider my stereo). When it was all screamed and done, she said she believed me, but I was so infuriated that I had to get out of the house for a while. I got in my car and tore ass down the street to a deserted parking lot where I could hang out cool off for a bit.
When I came home a half hour later, the party had died off. We had apparently put on more of a show than I thought, and everyone left out of discomfort following what had happened.
I went upstairs to go to bed and found our bedroom door locked. I thought to myself, "Oh, great, Heidi locked me out. Guess I'm sleeping on the couch." I wasn't downstairs for more than 20 minutes when I heard steps come downstairs and into the kitchen. Then Heidi called to me.
Nothing on Earth could have prepared me for what I saw.
There was blood EVERYWHERE. All down the stairs, in the hall, into the kitchen... POOLS of it... I knew immediately what had happened. She had taken a bottle of pills and cut both of her wrists with one of my folding knives.
The rest of the night was a blur.
I remember going to the hospital, and my roomate April cleaning up all the blood so I wouldn't have to, but not much else.
Needless to say, Heidi and I didn't last long after that.
Last year, I spent Halloween watching TV. This year, I may end up doing the same thing.
I don't want it to end up like that, though. I want to enjoy what I used to love so much. Even though the time for crazy parties is past, the spirit can still be there.
I hope I can find the courage to stop dwelling on past events... | | |
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